Searching for Lost Things
by the original killerpineapple
Summary: “Please Severus.”He blinked furiously, refusing to cry on the doorstep of the formidable man he had once loved more than anyone. He brushed scraggly hair away from his forehead as he choked out the last and greatest indignity. “I’ve got nowhere else to go
1. Christmas 2001: An Unwelcome Visitor

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters depicted in this fic.

Chapter 1: Christmas 2001- An Unwelcome Visitor. 

Harry held his hand out before the door for what felt like an eternity, all the while aware that his fingers were starting to numb and the snow was melting through his shoes and soaking his socks.

It was the piercing cold which finally made him swallow his pride and knock, tapping his foot nervously against the doorstep and tugging at his shabby sleeve. The noise sounded deafening in the still night air, making him wince slightly.

A few moments later he heard muffled footsteps on wooden floorboards and felt the uncomfortable stirrings of panic. He was considering abandoning his pursuit and running away when the door was flung open and he was stood face to face with a man he hadn't seen for more than three years.

Bdbdbd

Severus tried to hide his shock at seeing Harry there, his jaw twitching once in an effort to contain a sneer.

Harry found himself trapped beneath the glower of his ebony eyes, feeling exposed in the harsh glow of the porch light. He felt his heart skip a beat as they stood looking at one another, the minutes of silence dragging out and fraying Harry's nerves further.

Not long ago, Harry had revelled in this look, striving for years not to admit to himself how sexy he found it, and when he was finally allowed to confess to it, taking every opportunity to annoy Severus solely to see the superior, cold expression on his face. But now, in the chill winter evening, he felt only scared and awkward

Severus cleared his throat and looked Harry up and down with a mixture of disdain and masked concern, breaking his gaze at last. "Harry."

"Severus." His voice came out as a whisper as he glared furiously at his feet, too ashamed to look Severus in the eye. After uttering his name, he couldn't say anything else.

"As fun as this is, I don't have all night to watch you watch your shoes, so if you could just get to the point of your visit and leave I'd be grateful." Harry forced himself to look up, straightening his back in an attempt to draw himself to the same height as Severus. He knew it was a useless endeavour, Severus being almost seven inches taller than him, but he needed all the dignity he could muster.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I hate to ask this but…would it be okay if…I stayed here tonight?" Severus raised one eyebrow, a look of anger flashing across his face.

"I don't really think that's appropriate, under the circumstances. Do you?" Harry lost his nerve and averted his eyes again. He felt more humiliated than he had since leaving school and his throat burned with the force of holding back tears. "Goodbye, Harry." Severus started to close the door and Harry reached out a hand to block it. Severus seemed affronted by the sight of Harry's hand on his door, secretly thinking that he had no business being anywhere near his home.

"Please Severus." He blinked furiously, refusing to cry on the doorstep of the formidable man he had once loved more than anyone. He brushed scraggly hair away from his forehead as he choked out the last and greatest indignity. "I've got nowhere else to go." Severus cringed minutely before looking Harry over again. For a moment Severus' features softened and Harry saw the indecision and sympathy in his eyes, before they once more became indecipherable. He moved back from the door, silently signalling for Harry to step inside. As he tried to walk into the living room, Severus stopped him with an extended arm, making Harry look at him before continuing forward.

"One night. Then I want you gone."

Bdbdbd

Harry stood uneasily between the settee and the doorway to the kitchen, looking at the darkness glaring at him from the staircase. The house had hardly changed since last he'd stood there, apart from the sentimental array of ornaments and photos which used to be scattered on the fireplace and windowsill. It was tidier too, almost clinically so.

"Tea?" Harry jumped, snapped out of his reverie by Severus' guarded voice.

"Coffee, if you have any." Severus sneered in disgust but nevertheless returned with a mug of highly sweetened coffee a few minutes later. He surveyed Harry over the rim of his own cup. His hair was longer and more unruly than ever, falling in his eyes and curling at the nape of his neck. He was unshaven and looked as though he hadn't washed in a while. He wore several layers of threadbare clothes, his glasses were nowhere in sight and he carried a rucksack over one shoulder. Worst of all, his eyes seemed dulled somehow, lacking the vibrancy and energy he was used to.

"You look like shit Harry." Harry laughed in surprise, spluttering as he choked on his coffee.

"And you're just as charming as ever." Severus frowned.

"What the hell happened?" Harry bit his bottom lip and shrugged.

"It's been a long time, Severus. A lot has happened." Harry didn't expect to get away with this evasion, but was surprised when Severus just scowled and nodded stiffly. This indifference hurt Harry more than he would have thought it would, and more than he could account for. He found himself trying to quell tears again.

"Sit down. I'll get you something to eat."

"Oh, don't trouble yourself, I'm fine." Severus snorted and took Harry's half-full cup from him.

"Don't be ridiculous, of course you're hungry. You forget that not everybody considers you to be invincible." Harry felt a sudden rush of warmth towards him for still knowing him so well, and for once again adopting the role of a guardian. Severus swept into the kitchen and left Harry to become reacquainted with the living room.

Bdbdbd

_Harry was curled up in a corner of the burnt out house he and two dozen others had chosen as a home for the night. The ground was hard, he was too uncomfortable to sleep and even the layers of clothes and the bodies pressed closely to him couldn't make up for how bitterly he felt the cold ._

_To his right a young woman cooed and sang to her young child, rocking him back and forth in an attempt to sooth him. The boy continued to cry as he clung desperately to his mother, needing her to make everything better and not understanding why she couldn't. _

_Harry lurched to his feet and stumbled blindly towards the door, seeing nothing in the darkness but the vague shadows of people shivering amongst their only belongings. Outside, he turned his back to the wall and slid to his knees, covering his face with his hands. He needed somewhere to go. Anywhere. He looked up at the sky, brushing tears from his cheeks, and realised that there was nowhere he _could_ go. He laughed out loud, struck by the irony of the revered Boy Who Lived being so utterly alone. _

Bdbdbd

It took all of Harry's self control not to wolf his meal down in a matter of minutes. He was eating at the dining room table, another indication that Severus still hadn't forgiven him, that he considered them almost strangers. Severus had always been very proud of his home, and had certain rules regarding how people were to be treated in it. To him, an informal meal in front of the television was too personal to be allowed to anyone other than his closest companions.

Harry found himself pondering these standards when Severus brought a blanket and pillow down for him to sleep on the settee, rather than in the spare room. He smirked and Severus raised a quizzical eyebrow. He was standing on the last stair, leaning casually against the banister, and Harry looked at him over his shoulder.

"You haven't changed at all, have you?" Severus frowned.

"I wouldn't say that. You never know, I might surprise you." Harry smiled at him, and he looked away, tapping his nails against the wall. "Sweet dreams, Harry." This small reminder of how sweet Severus could be, and the first kind words he'd heard in a while, were all it took for the tears which had been threatening to fall since he'd gotten there to finally tumble down his cheeks. Severus shifted uncomfortably. Harry wiped his face with the back of his hand.

"Sorry, Severus. And thanks, again." Severus turned to go upstairs and reached for the light switch. "Could you leave the light on please?" His brow furrowed, concerned at this new fear of Harry's, but just nodded and retreated to his bedroom.

Bdbdbd

"Pass my car keys please." Harry groaned and rolled over, burying his head under his pillow.

"Car keys?"

"Yes, they're used to open the car doors and start the engine, that sort of thing."

"I know what they are! I just don't know why you need a car."

"You know I hate wizard methods of travel. I'm going to be late. The keys are just on that table." Harry picked up the keys and tossed them to him, and Severus caught them with hands clad in driving gloves. Harry laughed lightly, thinking that Severus had probably never been late for anything in his life. "Thank you. I want you gone by the time I get home."

"Of course. Bye, Severus." Severus nodded once and left.

Bdbdbd

That evening, Severus expected to return to an empty home and bedding littering his living room, but was surprised to find the blanket and pillows in the linen closet and Harry in the kitchen. He'd shaved and was wearing clean clothes. His glasses were once more perched on his nose and his recently washed hair was tied back.

"I told you to leave." Severus crossed his arms across his chest and stood imposingly in the doorway.

"I bloody tried! Your house wouldn't let me! How excessive is your security?" Severus glanced away, slightly embarrassed.

"I forgot I'd installed that. Intruders never actually manage to get in, so I never have to use it." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Well, I'll go now. I made you dinner to thank you for last night. It's in the oven." He brushed past Severus, stooping to pick up his rucksack and worn coat from behind the settee. Severus watched him walk to the door with mixed feelings of relief and guilt.

"Why don't you stay for dinner? You made it, after all."

"I shouldn't. It's getting quite late. I don't want to be wandering around looking for somewhere to sleep at eleven tonight." The reality of Harry's situation, given not out of malice or as emotional blackmail, just his abiding instinct to be truthful, struck Severus like a slap across the face, and he had to fight to contain the horror it caused him to feel. Worse was that it probably hadn't even crossed Harry's mind that he could use it to hurt him, something Severus was not sure he would have done had their positions been reversed.

"You can stay here, if it gets too late." Severus backed into the kitchen, not wanting to see gratitude for luxuries he'd always seen to be rights.

Bdbdbd

A week later Harry still hadn't left.

It was Christmas Eve and Severus had been at work until six, needing to be at Hogwarts to keep the students who hadn't gone home for the holidays in line, even though he wasn't required to teach. When he got home, Harry had decorated the living room and started dinner. There was a white tree in the corner, covered in small blue stars and snowflakes, and a garland was draped across the mantelpiece. He was relieved to see that Harry hadn't hung mistletoe, a tradition he had always insisted on upholding.

"How was work?" Severus pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, taking the cup of tea from Harry with his other hand.

"Terrible. Sometimes I think I should just quit."

"Then why don't you?" Severus shrugged, sighing as he sank into an armchair. "You know, I don't understand you. If something's making you unhappy then do something about it." Harry went to check on the dinner, leaving Severus to think that not everything was that easy.

Bdbdbd

"Really?" Harry twisted around awkwardly from his cross-legged position on the floor, trying to look at Severus, who was half-lying on the settee with his back against the armrest. He groped blindly for the bottle of wine on the floor only to find that it was empty.

"Hey, don't sound so surprised!" He slapped Harry lightly on the shoulder.

"You've screwed Lucius Malfoy?"

"Yes!" Harry tutted.

"I don't believe you. I mean, _Lucius Malfoy_! He's…he's so…well, you've seen him!" Severus snorted laughter.

"Intimately."

"Lucky bastard." The fire crackled, engulfing logs and sending sparks fluttering onto the carpet, where they were smothered and fizzled out. Rain pattered gently on the windows, making Harry grateful to be indoors.

"Harry?" Harry murmured in response, his eyes closed and his head rolled back onto the settee, inches from Severus' leg. "Why don't you have anywhere to stay?" Harry sighed.

"About this time last year, I lost my job, and then I got evicted from my flat when I couldn't pay the rent. Before I knew what was happening I was sleeping on the street. I'm doing okay though; there are people a lot worse off than me."

"You should have let me know. I had no idea you were in such trouble."

"I couldn't come crawling back here, not after what I did to you. Don't blame yourself for my mistakes, please."

"Couldn't you have gone to the Weasleys?" A furrow appeared on Harry's forehead as he grimaced.

"After what happened to Ron, I can barely look them in the face. It's not fair of me to ask so much of them after I've hurt them so much."

"It wasn't your fault, Harry. You know that, right?" Harry rubbed a hand across his face, staying silent. "What about Miss Granger?" Harry smiled at him serenely.

"Sev, we were childhood friends. I doubt she'd be too pleased to be burdened with me, especially since I haven't spoken to her in almost four years." Harry turned around, resting his chin on the seat, and grinned fondly. "Besides, there's nobody I'd rather spend Christmas with than you." He lowered his voice, placing his hand on Severus' knee. "Don't worry about me. I'll be alright."

Bdbdbd

_The Weasleys looked strange in mourning clothes, the severity of black suits drawing even more attention to their red hair. They huddled around the coffin, Arthur with his arm around Molly and Ginny clinging to her other arm. Charlie squeezed his father's shoulder and Arthur covered his fingers with his own. Bill held Fleur tightly, as though scared that he would lose her too. Fred and George stood side by side, heads bowed, identical tears trickling down identical faces. Percy remained on the outside, moving into the group only to comfort his mother when she broke down in noisy sobs._

_Hermione held Harry's hand tightly throughout the service, a painfully dignified expression on her haggard face. When Harry wept she offered him a handkerchief and a strained, sorrowful smile. Afterwards, they returned to her parents' home and she cried herself to sleep in his arms._

Bdbdbd

Severus waited for the light in the spare bedroom to go out, watching the gap under the door, but when it still hadn't after almost fifteen minutes he realised that Harry was going to sleep with it on. He retired to his own room across the hall and, after a moment's deliberation and for a reason he didn't want to consider, left the door slightly ajar.

Bdbdbd

Harry lay awake for a long time and thought about the Severus he used to know. He thought about how protective he was; possessive, but in a flattering way, most of the time. He thought about his clumsy, endearing attempts at affection. He thought about his sometimes startling intelligence and perceptiveness. He thought about how good he was in bed, and how closely he held him afterwards. He thought about his patience and precision when brewing potions or researching for one of his several dissertations on the Dark Arts.

He didn't think about how sullen he was, how he could sulk for days after even the smallest of arguments. He didn't think about how irritable he was, how easy to anger. He didn't think about his inability to say 'I love you'. He didn't think about how condescending he was. He didn't think about the spiteful comments he rarely apologised for, or maybe didn't even realise were hurtful. He didn't think about the smothered feeling which continued to grow until the night he left, when he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't think about the cold feeling of waking up in an empty bed every morning because he had dashed off to some more important endeavour.

He slipped quietly out of bed and crept across the hall.

Bdbdbd

Severus woke when he heard the door opened a fraction, creaking quietly, and a thin beam of light fell across the floor. He turned onto his side to face the door, listening to slow breathing and the scuffing of bare feet on carpet.

"Harry?"

"Hey." He opened the door a little more and stepped into the room.

"Is everything okay?" He sat up, slightly alarmed.

"Yeah, sure." He moved further into the room.

"Oh." Reassured but still confused, he covered his bare chest with the sheet which had slipped when he'd stirred. He could feel Harry's eyes on him and felt surprisingly self-conscious.

"Well, no. Not really."

"What is it?" Harry shifted awkwardly.

"I was just thinking, me staying here doesn't have to be such an inconvenience. I could make it worth your while, if you let me." Severus stayed quiet. Harry moved closer, sitting on the edge of the bed. He folded the sheet Severus had rearranged back down and ran his chilled fingers across the exposed skin, causing Severus to gasp before brushing Harry's hand off him.

"Don't, Harry." Harry bit his lower lip nervously.

"Don't what?"

"Don't cheapen yourself like this." Harry flushed with indignation and embarrassment.

"I'm not! Why must you think of sex as such an indignity? Why is it bad to let yourself be vulnerable once in a while?"

"I don't, and it isn't, but it _is_ cheap to offer yourself as a common whore in return for a few warm meals." Harry sprung to his feet, taking a step backwards.

"You really think that's what's going on here? You really think I want to sleep with you to _repay_ you?" He laughed bitterly, pacing at the foot of the bed. "For someone so damned clever you can be incredibly dense."

"No, I think you feel guilty because you think you're being a hindrance, and because you only came back to me when you needed something." Harry jolted to a stop, stung by Severus' bluntness. They were silent for a moment, the tension growing as both of their anger of the past six years came bubbling dangerously close to the surface.

"You consider yourself so superior to me, don't you? You're never going to find anyone to love you if you treat everyone like they're something you've trodden in." Severus' jaw clenched painfully.

"It may surprise you to learn that it isn't just the gracious, selfless Harry Potter who can find it in his heart to show a lonely old Deatheater some affection." Harry glared at Severus, encouraged by the defiance he would never have shown him when he was seventeen.

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I am in no need of a sympathy fuck!" Harry flinched away from the venom in his tone. "Believe it or not, there _is _life after you, so you can stop it with the martyr act." Harry finally lost his temper and shouted, knowing that Severus would keep his voice lowered to a threatening hiss, and hating him all the more for it.

"I would tell you to stop the pig-headed, miserable arsehole act, but it isn't an act with you, is it? You spend your entire life complaining that you're unhappy and yet refuse to do anything about it when you get the opportunity! Some people don't have that luxury!"

"Arrogant brat. You cannot make me happy. You never could." Harry swallowed, his chin trembling and his breath hitching.

"Liar." Harry whispered harshly, before rushing from the room, slamming the door behind him. He threw himself down on the bed in the spare room and cried until his voice was hoarse.

Bdbdbd

By the morning, Severus regretted having upset Harry. While he dressed, he worked on swallowing his pride, intent on apologising.

He went downstairs, expecting Harry, who had always been an early riser, to be making coffee in the kitchen. When he found the downstairs rooms empty, he went back upstairs, calling Harry's name anxiously.

The door to the spare bedroom swung quietly open onto a neat, cold room. The bed was made, and Harry's clothes and bags were gone. Severus propped himself against the doorframe, staring gloomily into the vacant space.

He sighed heavily and walked to the open window, before lighting a cigarette and leaning out of it, blowing smoke into the thin mist of drizzle lingering there. He glanced down, noticing the footprints in the snow. He stubbed the cigarette out on the window ledge and got ready to go to work.


	2. Christmas 2002: An Unwanted Host

Christmas 2002: An unwanted host.

Severus had been restless for days. He couldn't sleep or concentrate at work, and he jumped at the smallest of noises. He drifted from room to room aimlessly, randomly picking up objects and putting them back down. Although he was used to living alone, the house felt strangely empty.

He realized with a jolt that he was half expecting Harry to turn up. Not just that, but a part of him _wanted_ to open the door to see him standing there, regardless of how bad they'd left things last time.

As it drew closer to Christmas he was becoming uncharacteristically panicky, and, although he hated to admit it, he felt sick with worry over the boy who had left him to pick up pieces of his life without so much as an explanation.

Bdbdbd

Minerva glanced into the fireplace and talked to Severus' disembodied head from behind her desk. He was just as formal as he always was when fire calling her, and she was mildly amused by his inability to relax when there was even the faintest risk that he could be overheard.

"I'm afraid I require this morning off, headmistress." She struggled to hide a grin, looking at him in as stern a manner as she could to pay him back for his stuffiness.

"May I enquire as to the reason for your absence?"

"St Mungo's has requested a new batch of healing potions. It seems to be quite urgent. However, if it's an inconvenience…"

"Of course you can have the morning off. Tsk. Imagine, trying to emotionally blackmail _me_. I taught you how to, boy." Severus let the 'boy' comment slide, thinking that it was the least he could do after calling her Minnie against her will for so many years.

"Thank you, headmistress. I'll inform you if there are any problems with my arrival this afternoon." He hesitated for a split second, but Minerva detected it in the way only mothers, or those who were meant to be mothers, seem to be able.

"Was there something else?" For a moment Severus looked uncertain.

"There's nobody else with you?"

"Nobody." Severus sighed.

"Have you heard from Harry lately?" Minerva's eyebrows knit together, forming a groove across her forehead.

"No, dear. I haven't heard from him in years." A hand appeared amongst the flames and wiped at Severus' brow. "Why do you ask?"

"He...last Christmas, he turned up on my doorstep asking for somewhere to stay. I didn't know until then, but he's been living on the streets since about a year after-" Severus broke off suddenly, clearing his throat with a cough. Minerva didn't ask him to finish the sentence, knowing how humiliated and hurt he felt when talking about Harry leaving him. "I swear I didn't know he was in such trouble."

"I believe you dear. He stayed with you?"

"Yes, for just over a week. We had words and he left in a huff, like the petulant child he is. I haven't seen him since. I just hoped he might have tried to contact you."

"I'm sorry, he hasn't." Severus offered a strained smile.

"That's okay, it's hardly your fault. But, if you do hear anything…"

"You'll be the first to know."

"Thank you." He started to disappear.

"Severus?" His face came back into focus, flickering slightly. "He'll be okay. I think he's tougher than you give him credit for." Severus smiled gratefully, nodding once, before leaving.

Bdbdbd

"Professor?" Severus continued brewing the potion, not daring to take his eyes off it.

"Miss Chang." Cho tugged nervously at the sleeves of her robes, which were the same shade of blue as all the trainee medi-witches and -wizards.

"I think there's something you should know." Severus added the last ingredient to the cauldron, stirred twice anticlockwise, and looked over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised.

"Yes?"

Bdbdbd

"What's wrong with him?" Severus stared through the broad window into the overcrowded hospital ward. It took all of his self-control not to reach out a hand to touch the glass. Harry lay on the bed furthest away, his skin chillingly pale and a drip hanging from his arm. There was an oxygen mask secured over his nose and mouth.

"Hypothermia. He's lucky we found him when we did." Severus swallowed to shift an uncomfortable lump in his throat.

"Is he…will he be okay?"

"I'm sorry, it's difficult to say. He's very weak at the moment, and he's had some difficulty breathing. He can't see very well, either, or talk coherently. He just doesn't seem to _want_ to get better." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to drum out the pain in his head so he could think more clearly. Finally he opened his eyes and looked at Cho, who seemed about to cry.

"I want to take him home with me." Cho looked slightly startled, and a little panicked, obviously remembering how stubborn he could be.

"I don't think that's advisable, Professor."

"You think I can't care for him properly?"

"I didn't say that! I just don't think it would do any good to cause him any more upheaval."

"He can heal much better in a quiet, familiar atmosphere than he can here."

"I don't think you understand how difficult it will be to look after him. He's very confused at the moment, and disorientated, and irritable. I think-"

"Well stop thinking and do as I say." Severus snapped, gaining glares from nearby patients and staff, which he returned with just as much vehemence. "Get me his things. He's coming home."

Bdbdbd

"Harry, please drink it."

"No! It hurts!" He kicked out, like a child having a tantrum, although it was so weak it barely made a dip in the bedcovers. He whimpered at the effort and buried his face in the pillow.

"I know it does, sweetheart, but it'll make you better, I promise." Harry went quiet, and for a terrifying moment Severus couldn't see the slight movements of his chest as he struggled to breathe. "Harry?"

"Wha'?" He sighed in relief, regardless of how irritated Harry sounded.

"You scared me there." Harry looked at him, his eyes wide and glistening, and Severus held the potion out again. Harry nodded minutely and Severus helped him to drink it. He winced as the burning sensation crawled down his throat and into his stomach. After a moment, tears of frustration rolled down his cheeks.

"'S not working." Severus wiped the tears gently away with the pad of his thumb, careful not to let his arm rest too heavily on Harry's chest.

"You have to give it a while to work, sweetheart." Harry shivered and tried to squirm further into the warmth of Severus' bed. "Are you still cold?" He nodded.

"Come here." He started to take Harry's t-shirt off, earning a groan of disapproval.

"Wha' you doing? 'S too cold!"

"Trust me, Harry. I know what I'm doing." He removed his own shirt as he stood from his sitting position on the floor and made his way to the other side of the bed. Sliding in next to Harry, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and Harry, responding to the immediacy of Severus' body heat, clung to his waist. "Better?"

"Mm." Severus stroked Harry's hair soothingly.

"Try to get some rest."

"'Kay." Severus was grateful that, this time, Harry hadn't asked for his mother. "Sev? Do you love me?"

Severus wondered how much of this Harry would remember once he'd recovered. He was struck by how this would seem under any other circumstances. In the morning Harry would wake half naked in Severus' bed, which would look bad enough without him remembering their close proximity, or the fact that he'd reverted to calling his 'sweetheart'. Would telling him he loved him, even though it would just be to prevent further confusion, even if it was just to lull him to sleep, be pushing his luck a little too far?

"Sev?" He glanced down and Harry stared at him with fear and insecurity.

"Of course I do, sweetheart."

Bdbdbd

_Harry had filled the bath almost to the brim and bubbles threatened to spill out onto the tiled floor. He had his eyes closed, and so didn't notice as Severus slipped in and sat down on the closed lid of the toilet, watching with a mixture of amusement and reluctant adoration._

_Harry opened his eyes and jumped slightly as he saw Severus, who raised an eyebrow and continued to smile subtly. _

"_How long have you been here?"_

"_A while." He slid onto the floor, resting one arm on the side of the bath and running the fingers of the other over the surface of the water, dumping bubbles on the end of Harry's nose. Harry giggled and wiped them away before laying his head down on Severus' arm. "You're getting my shirt wet."_

"_Mm hm." Harry agreed. "Are you getting in or not?" _

"_I don't think there's enough room." Harry sat up, his hair flicking water onto Severus' arm, and fumbled amongst the bubbles. His hand emerged holding a yellow rubber duck, which he regarded solemnly for a moment before tossing it deftly into the sink._

"_How about now?" Severus laughed, and suddenly wanted to tell Harry that he loved him, _needed _to tell him, but somehow the three small words were so difficult to say. _

"_Harry, I…you know that I…? I realise I don't say it very often, but I _do…_" Harry touched Severus' cheek gently and lowered his voice to a whisper._

"_It's okay, I know." Severus smiled softly, and started to unbutton his shirt. _

Bdbdbd

Severus heard uneven footsteps on the stairs and poked his head out of the kitchen door. Harry was standing in the living room, looking dazed and a little worried.

"What am I doing here?" Severus swallowed nervously, trying not to stare at Harry's bare torso.

"You have hypothermia."

"I know. They told me at St Mungo's. Why did you bring me here?" Severus remembered when he and Harry used to argue, and Harry would shout and scream and cry, and he didn't care for the controlled, frosty tone he had since adopted. Severus looked at the floor, running a tea towel through his fingers.

"They couldn't look after you properly." He started to dry the dishes again.

"And you could?" A pause.

"Yes." Harry's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"What did you give me?"

"Just a potion."

"Why couldn't the trained medical staff give me it?"

"It's illegal. Don't worry, it won't harm you. It just contains ingredients from some protected species'." Harry gave a hollow laugh.

"A leopard never changes its spots, eh?" Severus felt the colour rise in his cheeks.

"Well if you'd rather I'd left you to die I have the antidote somewhere." Harry's lips thinned.

"I'm leaving." He turned and stepped onto the first stair. Severus snorted.

"Don't be stupid. You won't last five minutes in your state."

"I'm fine. And I don't need your charity."

"Yes you do. You're still sick."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No. I'm. Not." Severus leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms.

"Okay, I'll tell you what. If you can make it to the top of those stairs and still breathe normally, then you can go. Otherwise you are going to stay until you're healthy again." Harry flushed in indignation.

"So you're going to keep me prisoner then?" Severus smirked.

"If you want to look at it that way." Harry grimaced and looked to the top of the stairs.

"I can make it up there. You just watch me." Severus grinned smugly as he settled down on the settee, folding his legs.

"Oh, I will."

Bdbdbd

Harry ate his dinner in silence, not so much humbled by his attempt to climb the stairs as resentful of the fact that he couldn't.

In response to this, Severus marked essays.

Harry finished and Severus glanced up as he stood to take his plate into the kitchen.

"Potter?"

"What?" Severus struggled not to lose his temper as it became obvious that Harry was still sulking.

"I'm sorry for some of the things I said last year. I was out of order. I don't expect you to forgive me-"

"Good, because I won't."

"-but surely you're mature enough to admit that maybe I wasn't completely to blame, and to try to be civil to me?" Harry studied his face for a moment, taking in the faint lines around his eyes and on his brow, the first few subtle strands of silver in his hair, his pursed lips. His gaze fell on Severus' obsidian eyes, inscrutable, as always, within their frame of inky eyelashes, but flickering, just for a second, with something almost human. He turned away and took his plate to the kitchen.

Bdbdbd

Severus returned from work to find Harry asleep on the settee, curled in the blanket from the spare room, which he had refused to stay in, insisting that he wanted to sleep in the living room. The light from the television flickered across his face and reflected off his glasses. Severus switched it off, turning to look at Harry. Despite the drastic change in their relationship, and in the feelings the two had for one another, Severus couldn't deny that Harry was still attractive. One of the things Severus had most hated about being with Harry was that, looks-wise at least, Harry was far out of his league, and was never without younger and much more charming admirers.

Hesitating momentarily, Severus stooped forwards and kissed Harry gently on the lips, almost timidly in his fear of waking him. He jerked back, brushing his palm over his forehead in irritation and exasperation. He laughed bitterly and shook his head, condemning himself as an old, lonely fool, before making his way upstairs.

Bdbdbd

Harry opened his eyes and watched Severus disappear up the stairwell. He traced the tip of his tongue over his lips, as though expecting to taste Severus there. Nobody had ever confused him as much as that man had. With that one small kiss, he'd taken Harry's feelings from the past four years and carelessly thrown them together with the ones from before that, forcing an uncomfortable and tangled mess into the pit of his stomach, like vivid paints flung together to create some murky, ambiguous hue.

Harry wanted to be angry at Severus still, but was at the same time relieved that he wasn't; he felt tears tumbling down his cheeks, even as his mouth turned upwards in a smile; he wished that the bastard had never kissed him, and yet longed for him to do it again.

Harry sighed in frustration and rolled over onto his side, burying his face in a cushion.

Bdbdbd

Harry sat tentatively on the edge of the settee, jumping up when he heard a creak on the stairs.

"Severus!"

"Harry." Severus stumbled past him and into the kitchen, grabbing his cigarettes from the bench before shoving them in his pocket and rushing back across the room to get his cloak.

"Severus I need to talk to you."

"Have you seen my wand?"

"It's on the coffee table." He snatched it and sat down on the bottom stair to fasten his laces. "Please Severus, I really think we should talk."

"Now?" He reached the door in two strides, stopping to pickup his keys.

"Why not?" Harry checked the clock and saw that Severus would be fifteen minutes early if he left the house now.

"I'm going to be late for work!" He opened the door and started slightly as he saw a man with blonde hair and a rucksack over one shoulder standing with his hand raised to the doorbell. Severus took in his grimy appearance with a grimace of disdain. "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Harry." There was something about the certainty of that statement and the self-assured tone of his voice, as well as his cocky smile and the way he leant casually against the wall, which made Severus instantly dislike him.

"And you are..?"

"Jack!" Harry squealed, knocking Severus to one side as he bounced past and threw his arms around the other man's neck. Severus coughed. "Oh, sorry." Harry moved aside, linking his arm with the man's. "Severus, this is Jack. He's my-"

"I think I can guess. Are you coming in or are we going to freeze out here all day?" Severus turned on his heel and strode into the house. Harry looked at Jack apologetically.

"I thought you had work?" Harry closed the door behind them, and Jack dropped his rucksack onto the floor.

"I'll call in sick. I'll hardly be expected to teach this close to the holidays." He stopped behind the settee and faced Harry and Jack, his arms folded. Harry shifted uncomfortably, but Jack seemed unaware of the disapproval emanating from Severus.

"What are you doing here?"

"You're going to love me. I've only gone and found us a place to stay!" Harry's eyes lit up and he clasped his hands together in front of his throat, just under his chin.

"Really?" Jack raised his eyebrows and grinned smugly. "How?"

"Didn't I tell you I'd look after you?" Harry jumped up on his toes and hugged him again, tilting his head up to kiss him. After a moment he tried to pull away, but Jack held him there with a hand on the back of his neck. Severus felt his nostrils flare as he saw his other hand slide into Harry's back pocket.

"I'll make myself scarce, shall I?" Severus glowered at them both as he disappeared into the kitchen, which Harry noticed and blushed, before lowering his voice.

"I'm sorry about Severus. He can be a little… hostile." Jack smirked.

"It's alright, he doesn't scare me. In fact, why don't you go get your stuff together and I'll have a chat with him, see if I can't make him like me a bit more?" Harry smiled gratefully, although he was almost certain that no amount of Jack's charm would work on Severus, and rushed up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Bdbdbd

"Hey." Severus looked Jack up and down and sneered. The kettle clicked and he poured the water into the one cup he'd taken from the cupboard. "You don't like me very much, do you?"

"I believe that's what is known as an understatement." He knocked Jack's arm with a drawer as he reached for a teaspoon. Jack sat on the bench.

"Why not? Because I'm shagging the boy you want?" Severus eye twitched and he stopped making tea to look at him.

"He's not a boy, he's a man, and he deserves more respect than you give him."

"He _deserves_ someone who can give him what he wants, not some cradle-robbing snob grabbing him before he was old enough to know _what_ he wanted."

"You know nothing about our relationship, and I'd thank you to mind your own business. I do not like you because he can do so much better with his life, and you will do nothing but drag him down."

"I'll do whatever I like with him. He's mine, not yours, and you can't do anything about that, so I suggest you leave him the fuck alone and let him make his own decisions. Okay?"

"Get out of my house. How dare you come in here and talk to me like that? Get out." Jack jumped down from the bench, kicking the cupboard door.

"Fine." He smirked. "Tell Harry I'll wait outside for him."

Bdbdbd

Harry was in the spare room packing his rucksack when Severus entered the room. He smiled anxiously, hoping that Severus wasn't going to make this difficult.

"Where's Jack?"

"He needed some fresh air." Harry cringed.

"What did you do to him?"

"Nothing." It worried Harry that Severus sounded so cold, and he started to fold his clothes again, embarrassed. "Sev, please don't be angry with me."

"I'm not. What reason do I have to be angry with you?" Regardless of the statement, he sounded bitter and irritated. Harry shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe for not telling you about him. Maybe because I'm leaving you just before Christmas again." Severus laughed dryly.

"I think I can just about cope with Christmas alone. You're not my life-line." Harry blushed.

"You know, it's okay to admit that you want me around, even if it's just over the holidays." Severus glanced at the floor, moving towards the bed and putting a t-shirt Harry had folded into his bag.

"It hardly matters. You're leaving with that man regardless of my opinion on the matter." Harry hesitated, strangely nervous.

"I would stay, if you asked me."

"Don't stay because you feel sorry for me."

"I wouldn't be!" Harry snapped, annoyed by Severus' defensiveness. They fell into awkward silence, slowly packing Harry's few possessions to draw out his departure as much as possible. "Do you want me to?" Severus thought for a moment. Something inside screamed out for him to say yes, to give them another chance. But a stronger voice, the one he had developed over a lifetime to save him from embarrassment and pain, told him that to do so would mean risking being hurt again. More than anything, he wanted to be selfless, and knew deep down that there was nothing he could offer Harry.

"No." Harry blushed again, humiliated and indignant and confused.

"Then for fuck's sake leave me alone!" Severus' head jerked up, startled by the spite in Harry's voice.

"You're the one who started all of this! I didn't ask to see you again. I could have lived quite happily had you not turned up on my doorstep!"

"I don't mean like that! I mean in here!" He tapped his head. "And in here!" He placed a hand on his chest. "I don't love you anymore! I don't need you anymore! And yet every time I think I'm doing okay you do something which makes me think I want you back, or that maybe you want me."

"I don't Harry. You know it wouldn't work." Harry flung the remainder of his clothes furiously into his bag and zipped it up.

"Then let me get on with my life!"

"I am!"

"Then why the hell don't you congratulate me on finding someone who will look after me, someone who cares about me?" He stormed towards the door.

"He's a jerk, Harry. You can do so much better than him." Harry spun round.

"Like you?" Severus averted his eyes, his fingers plucking at the hems of his clothes. "You see, that's the problem. Nobody else is good enough for me, and you don't want me. That leaves me with no one to love, and that suits you just fine!"

"That's not true! I do want you to be happy."

"No you don't, because that would mean admitting that you're no longer the love of my life. You have to grow up and let me move on. I can't stand missing you anymore! It's killing me!" He lowered his voice, brushing tears from his cheeks. "Let me go." He fled from the room, running down the stairs, out of the front door and throwing himself into Jack's arms, sobbing into his shoulder.

Bdbdbd

Jack stuck his arm out and the night bus came clattering into sight, its three decks swaying precariously. He paid the driver and he and Harry took a seat near the back. Harry leaned into him and he put his arm around Harry's shoulders.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." Jack kissed his forehead.

"I don't understand what you ever saw in him." Harry looked back at the house he'd lived in during the happiest Christmas of his life, back to the man who'd at first loved him unconditionally.

"He's not all bad."

Bdbdbd

_After their guests had gone home, Harry and Severus locked the doors and turned the lights down, leaving on the lights on the tree. Harry poured out two glasses of wine and Severus made sandwiches with the leftover turkey. They put a film on and settled down on the settee with a blanket and a tin of chocolates. Harry rested his head on Severus' chest and Severus rubbed the small of his back soothingly, and it was uncomplicated and peaceful and _right.

_Harry closed his eyes and fell asleep to the rhythm of Severus' heartbeat, entwining their fingers at Severus' waist. Severus turned from the television and watched Harry until his own eyelids became heavy and slid slowly shut. _


	3. Christmas 2003: An Unresolved Conflict

Christmas 2003: An Unresolved Conflict

Severus groaned and switched off the radio as another chirpy Christmas song assaulted his ears. He struggled to stay awake as he drove through the dark past clumps of trees and bushes, glimpsing the occasional crowd of houses though a gap in the foliage. He rounded a corner and caught sight of a shadowy figure at the side of the road. As he drove past, the headlights of the car flooded the figure, highlighting the shabby clothes, outstretched hand, broken glasses. Severus swore under his breath and pulled over.

Harry ran to the car, smiling charmingly as he stooped and threw open the door.

"Thank you. I…oh, it's you." His smile faltered and he blushed, coughing to cover his embarrassment and looking at his feet. "Sorry." He straightened and started to close the door.

"Get in." Severus spoke through clenched teeth and Harry opened his mouth to argue. "Now."

He tossed his rucksack onto the back seat and slid in, closing the door as softly as possible. Severus took the handbrake off, checked his mirrors and pulled out. He didn't look at Harry.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Has nobody ever told you how dangerous hitchhiking is? You could have been picked up by anyone! Anything could have happened to you!"

"I didn't really have much of a choice." Severus breathed harshly through his nose. They travelled for a while in silence, Harry fidgeting uneasily and Severus quietly seething. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I'm on my way home from work."

Harry's eyebrows knit together.

"Work? We're nowhere near Hogwarts." There was a pause before Severus answered.

"I quit last year. St Mungo's offered me a permanent job brewing healing potions."

"All legal this time, I suppose?" Harry joked, trying desperately to lighten the sullen mood bearing down on him, making him claustrophobic in the small space of the car. Severus smirked, peering at Harry through the corner of his eye.

"Mostly."

Bdbdbd

Harry dropped his bag behind the settee, fidgeting nervously. He glanced into the kitchen and smiled to himself, noticing that everything was still in exactly the same place.

"You don't like change, do you?" He heard Severus hang his keys on the hook by the door before he walked into the room, taking his gloves off.

"Nor do you, apparently. You're making quite a habit of this."

Harry scratched the back of his neck, which Severus was revealed to see was no longer covered by unruly locks of hair.

"I'm sorry. If you want me to leave…"

Severus sighed.

"No, you might as well stay, now you're here. We'll find you somewhere to go in the morning."

Harry nodded, not exactly sure how Severus was going to manage that but not wanting to seem ungrateful either.

He started to pull his jumper over his head, more as a way of avoiding the uncomfortable silence than because the house was too warm. He was rearranging his glasses when he noticed that Severus' gaze was fixed on his arm. His face was slightly flushed with anger and guilt, and his eyes seemed to flicker, as though something moved behind them.

"Severus?" He looked down, and caught sight of the litter of purple bruises and shallow cuts on his arms. "Oh." He blushed and tried to hide the wounds.

"Jesus, Harry."

Harry laughed hollowly.

"Go on then, say it. Say you told me so."

"I never wanted this to happen, Harry. I'm so sorry."

Harry smiled gently.

"You tried to stop me from leaving. It's my own stupid fault."

"I should've tried harder. Come here; let me have a look."

Harry passed his arm hesitatingly, flinching when Severus touched a cut which hadn't quite healed over.

"Why the hell did you stay with him?"

Harry shrugged.

"He was a fantastic lay."

Severus laughed shortly at his bluntness, startled slightly, and continued examining his arm. Harry watched the concern written in the creases of his face, the tilt of his head, the blackness of his eyes, and swallowed. He opened his mouth and closed it again, never more sure of what he wanted to say, yet lacking the brash confidence he once had.

"But then again, so were you."

Severus looked up abruptly. His wide eyes darted over Harry's face, trying to find any hint of ridicule or malice. Harry moved forward tentatively, resting his fingertips on Severus cheek, and brushed his lips lightly across Severus'.

"I'm sorry. I-" Harry just had time to let out a shocked yelp before he felt his mouth crushed to Severus', stumbling backwards until his back knocked against the settee. He perched on the back of the seat, wrapping his legs around Severus' waist, and fumbled desperately at the buttons on his shirt.

Severus slid his hands under Harry's t-shirt and pressed their torsos closer together, partially to stop Harry from falling, partially because he'd forgotten how good it felt to have a man held so close to him, and for once in his life couldn't care less about the consequences of his actions.

Bdbdbd

_Harry inched the door closed, wincing at the quiet click of the lock. The lights were out, and he took off his shoes before tip-toeing through the silent flat. _

_The window in the bedroom was open and the curtains fluttered in the mild breeze, throwing the occasional orange glow from the flickering streetlight across the bed and walls. Harry hesitated, toeing the line between the carpets of the two rooms, both a different yet equally disheartening shade of beige. Jack lay on the bed, his eyes half shut and a can held lazily in one hand. _

_Harry stepped lightly into the room, shutting the door behind him. Jack's eyes snapped open. _

"_Where the fuck have you been?" _

"_Just out with some friends. I mentioned it on Tuesday."_

"_I know, but I didn't say you could go, did I?" _

_Harry folded his arms, his anger at being spoken to as a child making his heart hammer sporadically in his chest. _

"_I don't need your permission!"_

_Jack was on his feet in an instant, the back of his hand cracking audibly against Harry's cheekbone. Harry yelled in surprise and pain as his head collided with the wall. He raised his hand to his cheek only to have it slapped away. Jack's crimson face was so close to his that he could see each individual dart of pink in his bloodshot eyes and hear his teeth grating together, like nails on a chalkboard. _

"_Yes you do. You don't go anywhere, you don't see anyone, you don't do _anything_ unless I say so!"_

"_You don't own me! I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions. I don't need you to tell me what I can and can't do." _

_Jack laughed emptily. _

"_You don't need me?" _

"_I didn't mean it like that, and you know I didn't." _

"_Then why don't you leave? Eh?" He threw his arms up emphatically and Harry flinched, stepping backwards. "Go on. Fuck off!" _

_Harry swallowed, his face paling and his hands starting to tremble, scared by the violence in Jack's voice. He lowered his own voice, making a belated attempt to calm him. _

"_Jack…"_

"_Get out if you don't need me, because I certainly don't need you!" _

_Harry shook his head. Jack laughed again, moving towards him._

"_No. And do you know _why_ you won't leave me?"_

_Harry cried out as Jack's clammy fingers seized his throat, crushing his windpipe and pinning him to the door. Jack slapped him again and moved the hand to cover his mouth, wary that the people in the flat below might hear his screams. _

"_You won't leave me because if you do, I'll fucking kill you." Jack dug his knee into Harry's thigh and Harry breathed in sharply through his nose. "Understand?" _

_Harry nodded, wanting desperately for Jack to get off him. Jack waited for a moment, scrutinizing Harry's face, before stepping back, seemingly satisfied. He wiped Harry's tears from the back of his hand and collapsed back into bed._

Bdbdbd

Severus gasped as he felt Harry's hand on his chest and kissed him more fiercely, tightening his grip on him as he felt him slip slightly.

Harry jumped when the doorbell rang, startled back into reality. He and Severus laughed breathlessly, thinking of how typical and untimely the interruption was. Severus rested his forehead against Harry's and closed his eyes, his heart rate slowly returning to normal. He sighed as the doorbell rang again and straightened his back, buttoning his shirt again.

"I'd better get that." He strode into the small cloakroom between the living room and the door, and Harry shuffled into a more comfortable position on the back of the settee, swinging his feet.

"Evening, Miss Granger."

Harry's eyes widened in unaccountable panic and he jumped down from the settee, moving closer to the door.

"Evening Professor. You left some of your files at work. I said I'd pop in and give them to you on my way home."

"That's very kind of you." There was a short, awkward silence and Harry held his breath, waiting for one of them to bid the other a good night and Hermione to leave.

"Well, good night then, Professor."

Harry heard her footsteps retreating and sighed in relief.

"Miss Granger? Would you care to come in?"

Harry's eyes widened, wondering what Severus thought he was doing. The door closed and Severus walked back into the room, followed by a confused looking Hermione.

"Harry!" She stared at him for a moment, the shock of seeing him after more than six years apart striking her momentarily speechless, before breaking into a wide grin and throwing her arms around his neck. "Where've you been?"

Harry returned the hug before Hermione pulled back, observing him at arm's length. Her face fell noticeably as she took in his bruised arms, the dark circles under his eyes, how thin he'd gotten.

"What _have_ you been getting yourself into?"

Harry tried to smile, looking down guiltily.

"We have a lot of catching up to do."

Bdbdbd

Severus stayed out of their way, busying himself in the kitchen as they talked. He was more comfortable here, surrounded by ingredients and recipes and measurements. Everything here was systematic and precise. There was a correct procedure, a definite action, a predictable outcome.

He did not need to be sensitive. He did not need to think about anyone else. He did not need to choose which emotions to hide and which to express.

The kitchen was where Severus felt most at home. He was an excellent cook, an excellent potion brewer, and it fitted his personality perfectly. It was where relationships were concerned – putting others before himself, making people like him, being in love, being out of love – that his talents fell short.

Bdbdbd

When Severus invited himself back into the living room Harry and Hermione were hugging again, both sobbing and trying to talk at the same time. Hermione stepped back, brushing tears from her face, and they both laughed at themselves.

"I'd better be off. You're welcome to stay with me, if you'd like?"

Severus looked away, not wanting to influence Harry's decision.

"Thanks, but I think I'll stay here tonight."

Hermione smiled knowingly.

"Okay, just remember, you're always welcome." She paused. "I will see you again, right? You're not going to do another disappearing act?"

"I was hoping to stick around this time." He glanced uncertainly at Severus, who smiled and nodded minutely.

"I'll leave you my address." She took a card from the top pocket of her jacket and scribbled the address, holding Harry's hand as she passed it to him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Harry kissed her on the cheek and she embraced him a last time before leaving, insisting that she could see herself out.

Severus wrapped his arms around Harry's waist from behind and dropped his chin onto Harry's shoulder, kissing his neck absently.

"Planning on staying this time, then?"

Harry turned around.

"We should talk. There are still things we need to sort out."

Severus sighed, not wanting to risk arguing with Harry when he'd just gotten him back.

"Of course, but not tonight, okay?" He kissed his lips gently, holding him more lightly than before. Harry returned the kiss almost timidly.

"Okay, not tonight." As Severus trailed kisses down his neck, Harry struggled to understand how he had ever lived without him. "I love you."

Severus jumped back as though burned, putting a hand against the wall to steady himself as he stumbled slightly.

"You shouldn't say that unless you mean it."

A crease appeared on Harry's brow.

"I _do_ mean it!"

"No you don't! How could you? We've seen each other two times in just as many years, and it's ended badly both times. You haven't had enough time to love me again!"

Harry felt giddy, confused as to how the situation had changed so drastically in a matter of seconds, and terrified that this could be his last chance.

"I don't need time to love you again. I never _stopped_ loving you."

"Why did you leave me, then?" The room went silent, the question which had forced a barrier into their relationship finally out in the open, festering in the air between them. Harry swallowed, lowering his voice to a whisper.

"Why didn't you come after me?"

Bdbdbd

_Severus called Harry's name as he hung his cloak by the door and dropped his bag. He wandered into the living room and, noticing Harry's absence, leaned on the banister and called up the stairs._

"_Harry? Are you alright?" He walked to the kitchen and picked his post up off the bench, leafing through it as he made his way back to the living room. "I thought we could go out tonight. What do you think?" _

_Harry didn't answer, and Severus was about to go upstairs when he noticed Harry's untidy scrawl on a piece of parchment on the coffee table. He picked the note up, expecting Harry to have gone shopping or to visit a friend. _

I'm so sorry.

_Severus' heart thudded erratically. He turned on his heel and ran up the stairs into his bedroom. _

_He could see nothing of Harry's left. He flung open the wardrobe door to a neat line of his own black robes. He pulled the drawers out and scoured hastily through the clothes, searching frantically for anything belonging to Harry. He glanced at the bedside table and realised with a jolt that the photo of Lily and James Potter was gone. _

_Severus sunk to the floor, his back resting against the bed, and held his head in his hands. Not for the first time in their relationship, he was at a loss as to what to do. He swiped harshly at his cheeks a few times before giving in and letting his tears fall freely. _

_After a while, his sobs quietened. He reached into his pocket and brought out a small black box, turning it over in his fingers a few times before throwing it at the wall with an anguished yell. It fell to the floor with a dull thump and sprung open, mocking Severus as the silver ring sparkled at him from across the room. _

Bdbdbd

Harry sprawled on Hermione's bed, eating chocolate ice-cream from the tub. Hermione sat with her back against the headboard and her knees pulled into her chest. Her three year old daughter had finally fallen asleep and her pink nightlight shone across the hallway, creating a path between the two open doors.

"I don't understand what I've done wrong." He laughed bitterly. "Not this time, anyway."

"Maybe you tried to take things back to how they were before too quickly."

"Maybe. I just…I want to make everything better."

Hermione rubbed his back soothingly.

"I know you do, but it's not going to be as easy as it was last time. You've hurt him, and it'll probably take a while before he trusts you again."

"I know I did, and I've never regretted anything more, but I was eighteen! We all make mistakes when we're that young."

"Of course we do. That's fine, as long as we're willing to deal with the consequences."

Harry turned over onto his stomach, his eyes shining as he looked at Hermione.

"I'm trying to, believe me I am, but what if he won't let me? I just want another chance to make him happy. Let's face it; I was lousy at it last time."

Hermione laughed sympathetically.

"Don't worry, he'll come round."

Harry smiled, placing a hand on Hermione's knee, which she covered with one of her own.

"Anyway, enough about me. What's going on with you?"

Hermione shrugged.

"Not much. I'm a medi-witch at St Mungo's, and when I'm not there I'm looking after Molly. It doesn't leave much time for a social life, I'm afraid."

"No special someone, then?" Harry grinned playfully.

"No. There were a few guys, but none lasted longer than a month."

Harry rolled over and sat up, shuffling backwards and wrapping an arm around Hermione. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed to herself.

"Still hurt, babydoll?" Hermione closed her eyes as a fat tear rolled down her face and onto the duvet. She lowered her voice to a whisper, scared it would break into violent sobs.

"Every day."

Bdbdbd

Severus opened the door to a stern-faced Hermione. Her arms were crossed across her chest and her eyes set in the look of steely determination he'd seen as she marched briskly through the hospital, and he suddenly realised what a young McGonagall must have looked like.

"Miss Granger, if you have come to argue Harry's case-"

"He doesn't even know I'm here. May I come in?" She strode past him before he could answer either way and planted herself firmly in the living room.

"I'm assuming you _are_ here about Harry though, whether or not he is aware of the fact?"

Hermione nodded.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, exactly?"

"Being so difficult!"

"I'm not being difficult, I'm being sensible. An expert though I'm sure you are on the dynamics of mine and Harry's relationship, I'm afraid you are mistaken if you think it could possibly work."

"The only thing stopping it from working is your stubbornness."

Severus replied with a glare, a warning not to get messed up in his private life, which Hermione decided to ignore.

"Do you know how lucky you are?! You have found someone who would go to the ends of the world for you. I would give absolutely_ anything_ to have that back!" Severus flinched, surprised by the sudden outburst. "You have no idea how painful it is to lose someone you love. No matter what people say, it _doesn't_ stop hurting. And it makes me so angry to see you throwing it away. Harry would do anything to make you happy, but you're just too selfish to let him! You push him away because you don't feel that you deserve him. Am I right? Whatever you did in the past that was so terrible, you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you can't do that, for his sake as much as your own, then you're right. You _don't_ deserve him." Hermione knocked Severus as she flounced past him, slamming the door on her way out.

Bdbdbd

"_What are you doing?" Hermione rubbed her eyes and blinked against the sun streaming through the windows. Ron looked up guiltily from across the room. _

"_I thought it was about time I started to pack. I'm leaving day after tomorrow." _

_Hermione sat up, using the movement to hide how close she was to crying._

"_Please don't go. Stay here with me." _

_Ron made his way over to her and sat on the side of the bed, putting his arms around her. _

"_You know I have to. Harry needs me."_

"_Then let me face Voldemort with you!"_

"_We both know you can't. You need to look after our little girl." He placed his hand gently on her distended stomach. Hermione turned to him with barely disguised terror._

"_You'll be back before she's born, right? You better be back before she's born!" _

_Ron laughed quietly. _

"_Of course I will. In a couple of weeks we can put all this behind us, start a normal life." _

_Hermione tightened her grip on him, laying her head on his chest, and he kissed the top of her head, fighting desperately against the tears threatening to tumble down his cheeks._

Bdbdbd

Severus stood with his hand held aloft before the door, shivering despite the heavy cloak wrapped around his shoulders. He kicked the doorstep lightly to knock the snow from his sensible black shoes.

He caught sight of a curtain twitching a few houses away and noticed a middle aged woman sneaking glances at him from the safety of her home. It was this invasion of privacy which finally made him swallow his pride and knock, coughing quietly to clear his throat and straightening up, drawing himself to his full height.

A few minutes later he heard muffled thuds on the stairs and felt the bottom drop out of his stomach, leaving him with an uncomfortable tangle of panic and determination and dread. As the door was flung open he realised that he had no idea what to do, or what to say, and felt more lost than he had in the entirety of his adult life.

Harry's face flooded with relief as he opened the door and saw Severus standing there, as undecipherable as ever. He moved to the side, his lips twitching in a nervous smile.

"Come in."

Bdbdbd

"Have a seat."

Severus perched uneasily on the edge of the settee and Harry sat in the armchair opposite.

"Would you like some tea?"

"No, Harry. I want to sort things out between us."

Harry bit his lower lip uncertainly, daring to hope.

"You want me back?"

Severus ran his hand through his hair, struggling to speak candidly after a lifetime of hiding his feelings and making a career of deception.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can trust you again."

Harry knelt on the floor beside him and gripped his hand, forcing Severus to look at him.

"You can! I never wanted to hurt you, I swear."

"You did anyway." Severus shook Harry's hand off his and stood up, facing the wall. Harry sat on the settee. "I need to know why, Harry."

"Does it matter?" Harry sighed in exasperation, raising his voice slightly. Severus turned to face him.

"It does to me! If we can't work that out then what kind of relationship are we going to have in the future?"

Harry rested his head on the palm of his hand.

"Oh God, Sev, I was so messed up. I'd spent my life training to fight and convinced that I was destined to die, and once it was over I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a purpose any more. I no longer had an outlet for my emotions and I just felt like they were building up inside me, they were poisoning me."

"You could have talked to me." Harry stood sharply, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

"No I couldn't! You were never there! I needed you and you weren't there for me. I had to watch my best friend die beside me and you never hugged me, or kissed me, or told me that I'd be alright! You just avoided me!"

"That's because I didn't know you felt like that! I didn't want to smother you; I thought that you needed some space. If you'd have told me you needed me I wouldn't have left your side!"

"I shouldn't have to tell you!" Tears were streaming down Harry's face, leaving red blotches on his cheeks.

"I'm sick of trying to be a fucking mind reader! I don't always know what you need. You have to tell me! You have to tell me if you want me to leave you alone, or if you need me beside you. You have to _tell_ me what you want from me Harry!" He paused, his breath coming in short bursts. "What _do_ you want?"

Harry threw his arms around Severus, burying his face in his shoulder.

"You Severus. Just you." Harry's tears soaked through Severus' shirt as he clung violently to him, not daring to look at his face.

Severus stiffened for a moment before returning the embrace, rocking slowly back and forth and stroking Harry's back as he held his slight body to his own.

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."


	4. Christmas 2004

Christmas 2004: An Unprecedented Stillness

Severus laughed and shook his head in mock despair as Harry tripped on the leg of the coffee table and fell, giggling, in a pile on the floor. Hermione rolled onto her side on the settee, clutching her stomach as she leant towards Harry. Severus picked up his empty glass and walked to the kitchen, narrowly avoiding trampling Molly as she darted out in front of him.

Minerva passed him the bottle of whiskey with a roll of her eyes. Severus leaned against the bench beside her and followed her gaze to Harry and Hermione, who were dancing with Molly between them.

"He seems happy." Minerva nodded in their direction before stealing a cautious glance at Severus.

Severus bit his lip.

"I hope he is." He jumped slightly in surprise as he felt Minerva's hand on his arm.

"He's not going to leave you again."

Severus looked away from her, busying himself pouring another drink.

"We'll see."

"Tsk. What are we going to do with you? He loves you, and even if he does leave you, don't ruin the time you _do_ have with him worrying about it." She kissed his cheek lightly and wished him a merry Christmas before walking to the living room.

Bdbdbd

_Harry shivered and pulled his coat tighter around his body, his eyes darting blindly around the darkened squat. He knew that there were other people around him, but where exactly he could not tell. He flinched as something scuttled over his calf and clamped a hand over his mouth to prevent himself from shouting out in fright. He heard a shuffling near his shoulder and tensed, not daring to turn his head even a fraction. After a while the sound abated and he relaxed slightly. He strained his ears for any sounds which might tell him something about his surroundings, and heard nothing but the wind battering at the unstable walls and the uneven breathing of the faceless people in the cramped space with him. _

_Harry pressed his hands to his sightless eyes like a child trying to drive away the demons hiding in the dark, and stayed alert until the first rays of sunlight pierced the boarded-up windows, when he slowly drifted off to sleep. _

Bdbdbd

Harry lay in bed with his hands crossed over his stomach, listening to Severus tidying downstairs. He'd said he needed just five minutes to straighten the living room up, but Harry had been waiting for him for half an hour and could hear dishes being washed. He smile fondly to himself and decided to let Severus have his fun. It was Christmas, after all.

Severus finally found his way upstairs and got changed half-hidden behind the wardrobe door. He slipped into bed beside Harry and turned the light off with a flick of his wand before reaching to switch the lamp on the bedside table on.

Harry brushed his hand against Severus outstretched arm.

"Just leave it off."

Severus looked at him, a crease forming on his brow.

"Are you sure?"

Harry laid his head on Severus' chest, letting his eyes fall shut.

"I don't need it anymore."

Harry could hear the wind outside and the ticking of the clock on the wall and a heartbeat against his cheek, and sighed as he allowed himself to become enveloped in Severus' arms, and the darkness.

Fin.


End file.
